ThoughtsByBubbles

I think that when people are confronted with decisions, they always tend to make the decision that seems right at that particular moment.  This simply means that it is very easy for people to later regret the choices they once made due to the consequences they suffered thereafter.  However, I really don’t believe in mistakes especially when it comes to decision making.  Mistakes and regrets are impossible  because at one point in time, the decision you made was the exact decision you wanted.  At the one point when you declare your decision, I believe that you are fully content and competent of what you are doing.   This is the theory that I apply to Brother as he made some extremely bad decisions when it came down to my heart and what we had.  I, however, tended to forgive him thinking that he had learned something and had come to terms with the consequences of his decisions.  In addition, I have also seen the error of my ways as I had the courage to accept him and suffer the consequences.  I guess that when it comes down to it, you really get what’s coming to you and you have no one to blame but yourself.  I really have no one to blame but myself for the mess that I am in right now.  I think that I have come along way from all the heartbreaking choices both Brother and I have made but a great part of me would still have him if it were ever possible.  For example, if Brother was to ever ask to have me or propose to me or something, I doubt that I would decline and that’s what’s scaring me at this time.  It’s like I know I don’t want to be with him anymore because of all the pain but I still don’t see myself without him.  I don’t know what I am going through but I really feel that this will last forever and no matter who I am with, I will always feel this.  I also have a gut feeling that down the road when I  am far from Brother and this place, I will still think of him and I would still opt to take him the instant he decided he wanted me.  I hate speaking of things that frighten me because I don’t want them to become a reality.  But I secretly think that I will never be in love again and I will never have that feeling I had with him.  I think I will never get married and have children and live blissfully in this world.  Right now, this is a heavy burden buried deep in my chest and I am praying for it to never become a reality.  Everyday, I sit in my room and I think about Brother and it kills me even more to know that I never cross his mind.  I don’t know what it is that’s keeping a hold on my heart but I’m locked into this position where everything I do is some kind of preparation for his return.  I guess that’s what happens when I make decisions on the whim of my heart…there are no such things as mistakes and I guess I am paying for the bad decisions I made back then.

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