ThoughtsByBubbles

So the past few days have been ridiculously hard for me.  Now, I see why suicide and other destructive methods of coping seem sensible.  A few days ago, I spent the day with Brother and his friends and family.  We spent the entire day together and it was just like old times.  After that, things just turned out to go really wrong.  While with family, I was able to “spy” on his myspace page and that’s when I saw what I still cannot believe to this day.  He was in a relationship with someone.  In fact, she was all over his page and in his pictures and slideshow with cute little words underneath.  I was caught off guard and my heart rate increased about two hundred percent.  I was pretty sure that he was talking someone or a few others but never did I think that he would be in a relationship.  That hit me like a bullet.  How could he be doing this to me again?  He has to be of some demonic background to be able to maintain a steady conscience and still pulling these stunts that he knows will break me down.  And that’s what its doing.  I feel like an absolute fool.  Worst of all, I feel as if I have no one to turn to because all my so-called friends are nowhere to be found.  I don’t know what to say about any of this.  I wish I knew better because now I am torn up inside.  A part of me is saying that this is a tragedy and I
can’t believe he would do such a thing.  The other half of me is saying that this should be expected and I shouldn’t be surprised because its Brother and it will only get worse if I allow it.  I wish I knew what to do at this point because I feel frozen.  My body won’t move and my heart won’t look passed it.  It feels like no matter what I do in life, this will stick by me and eventually come back to haunt me.  I feel like incredible shit…something I have never felt before.  When it comes to Brother now, I feel like I am not worth a penny to him.  I feel like I was never worth anything to him and I will probably mean nothing to him but just a fun time.  I’m a joke to him and for the past YEAR, there has been nothing I could have done that would change his mind.  OVERALL, when it comes down to the facts and reality none of that will matter because these bridges are burned between him and I and there isn’t anything in this world that could help him.  I wish I had the power to forget him because forgetting him would help me shape myself to fit me.  They say that you will always remember the beginning when its the end…I guess reminiscing is a sign of the END.  I firmly believe this because no matter what I do, I can’t stop thinking of how things used to be and I still can’t understand how we went from blissful love to where we are now…

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